Character study on the "crew"

Caution. This next post is a bit provocative and discusses some racy topics. It's tasteful, but some of the subject matter might be inappropriate for young readers.

As a journalist, sometimes you get chances to step back and see how people think, and how things work.

Back in 2002, while I was in an unnamed electronics store, I met an interesting group of young women, that I shall call the "crew", that had an interesting take and opinion on life. The young women were single, and not in serious relationships. Some might call them gold diggers, others might call them predators, getting what they could from all of the guys in the local area.

These young women let me in their small circle and for the better part of a year, I had a chance to see their lifestyle firsthand. Here are some of my observances. A lot of this is done from memory.

I called her the Ring Leader. Every time I saw her I called her that and every time she heard it she cracked a devious smile. It was a devious smile that let me knew she was asserting her authority. The Ring Leader always knew where the parties were and could get her girls to surround her in five minutes flat.

The Ring Leader bounced around from man to man, but had what she called a steady patron. This patron provided the cash flow and a vehicle. He was the hook that the Ring Leader used to improve herself, so that she could nab bigger fish. If it was a new outfit, the patron purchased it; if it was a surgery she needed to enhance herself; the patron paid for it. Everything was a means to an end, and the end goal in mind was partying.

Often times the Ring leader rolled with the Lieutenant. The Lt. was a young woman in her 20s who had a child. She was the looker in the group. The person that the Ring Leader needed as a draw for the guys to come in. Initially the Lt. was weary of me, not wanting to share details around me, because I could be a potential mark (gullible fan). But after it was established I had no interest she opened up a bit more.

What was fascinating was the discussion between these two. They often "dated" the same men and provided specific details and attributes about the men. Nothing vulgar, but more-so about the amount of money the men made, the kinds of cars they drove; and if they had children.

Men were thought of as chattel or commodities. Relationships were an afterthought - they were more like a business deal, or a transaction. The crew would host huge parties in hotels that were rumored to be provocative. These parties would often be massive fundraising events where men were charged a great deal for the entertainment they received.

I remember at one point pulling one of the crew to the side and asking her what her goals were? What did she want out of life? The answer to that was a flash of a smile and terse look. "I just want to have fun."

I never found out what became of these young women. Once I left that place I fell out of touch. I can tell you this, I learned a lot of lessons and got some insight on how "gold diggers" thought. I found that these young women lived a life style full of fast times and pain. Miscarriages, abortions, drugs, abusive relationships; struggles with sexuality. There lives resembled a Tyler Perry movie without the proverbial happy ending.

It wasn't hard to be mystified by these stories. I guess now being the father of a little girl, they provide a cautionary tale for me as a parent. These women were missing something. They were longing for something, and that longing translated into some pretty obscene behavior.

Past Hurts

A few days ago, I had a conversation with my mother about a painful event in my life that I had long forgotten. Years ago, when I was an infant, one of my family members, decided that they wanted my complexion to remain light.

To do this, the family member in question, put a pamper filled with my urine over my face. The old wives' tale was that this could "make" someone retain their light skinned complexion. (In the African American community, there has long been controversy regarding skin tone.)

When my mother told me about this, I instantly remembered a long forgotten past hurt. My family preferred light skinned family members over dark skinned members. Unfortunately for me, I fell in the category where I was dark skinned. This past hurt, this unresolved conflict, that had lay dormant in the back of my mind was now brought to the forefront.

Past hurts are notoriously difficult to handle. For me, in this case, it would be hard to resolve the hurt with this family member, because this person has been dead for nearly 10 years now. But in the meantime, what do I do?

For me, the process of healing must begin, because it makes no sense to hold onto this painful event. The answer is to move forward with my life and be healed through my relationship with my personal savior, Jesus Christ.

This isn't something that I can do on my own. Because in my own flesh, there is a tendency to remember the pain, and grow angry and bitter from it.

How many of us are holding on to things, I wonder. How many of us are suffering from past hurts? How many people have hurt us that are no longer around? It's time for me to let go and let God.

Woman thou art longwinded!!!!

This is one sided I know, but it needs to be said...

Back in college I had the distinct pleasure of receiving a phone call from a young woman every other day at 7 p.m. She would talk to me for nearly an hour while I played my Sega Dreamcast. (Another obscure video game reference).

In the course of that time she proceeded to tell me all of her issues with her boyfriend, and why he was such a creep.

She would tell me these elaborate stories of how she was convinced he cheated on her.
Our conversation reached a fever pitch when I finally told her to stop calling.

I did so because I was emotionally fatigued, and that's a serious problem that women in and out of relationships need to recognize. You all are emotionally draining your men.

Look, as men we can only take so much. We can only process so much at one time, and often women have the tendency to do a full fledge data dump on us and expect us to get it all.

Truth be told, we're already thinking about several things ourselves. We're juggling the family budget; how to pay for the family vacation; what improvements we can make at work; not mention Sports. I find that Sports provides the ultimate distraction for men to focus on one thing and be at peace (you women reading this better catch this one).

One time during a trip on the train, a woman was telling a man her life story. You could tell by the look on his eye that he didn't really want to hear too much of her personal story. But she poured it on continuously - making comments about work - a place the two just left.

The last thing a man wants to think about is a recap of his work day when he gets off work. Men seem to look ahead rather than back.

I wonder how many relationships would be saved if women did not expect their men to be an emotional dumping ground. They wonder why we just have a glazed look on our faces when they give us all this information.

We don't have time to process and dissect things. We can't file the unnecessary parts in a cabinet and extract the most important points. We don't think that way. Just get to the point already.

Here's a rule of thumb for any female reading this. When you have another deep conversation, ask your significant other to paraphrase what you said. If he stumbles and repeats some of it, don't get upset with him. You've had all day to practice and rehearse this epic speech, and go down the list of all the wrong doing that has occurred to you in the past few hours. You're ready and primed to have a long discussion about the social ills that have befallen you, and how your coworkers have launched an insidious plot to get you fired. All your man wanted to do was come home to a peaceful place and perhaps have a good meal, or at least a sandwhich. Is that too much to ask for?

Remember ladies, you've had all day to practice this, while we... well we've only had about five minutes to take in the last eight to 12 hours of your life.

Sacrificing for Grace

There's a lot of sacrifice involved when it comes to marriage, and even more-so when it comes to raising a child. That's the lesson that I'm learning now, as I have recently found out that I have to cut back on some of my time going to the gym.

I always knew there would be sacrifices, and to some extent I knew that the gym would be on the back burner for a while, but I didn't anticipate it being like this.

Working out has been a staple of my life for sometime now, but its almost impossible to work out with the energy and the intensity that I did before my daughter was born.

That's where the sacrifice comes in, I think. You have to give up something you love, for something greater.

It often amazes me at how many people who try to hold onto their lives B.C. (Before children). You have to change and adapt with the times. I can no longer just haphazardly get in my car and drive off and go and hang out. There is Grace to consider. There's also my wife to consider. I don't want to put her in a position where she always feels like she is taking care of Grace.

Grace is a joy, and is worth a lifetime membership to any gym and then some. It requires a great deal of energy to keep up with her, and she hasn't even started crawling yet. I love Grace and if there are more sacrifices to be made, then sign me up.

Why are some women so angry?

For nearly 15 minutes, an older woman, who was waiting to board the bus, argued with someone over the phone.

Her eyes were bloodshot red, and she was drenched in sweat. But that did not deter her from getting her point across to the person on the other line. I don't remember exactly what she said, but the words were too harsh to repeat here.

I wonder what made her get so upset. She was angry to the point that all reason was abandoned and all dignity was pushed to the side. She was making a public spectacle out of herself, but any fear of that was quickly washed aside.

How many women lose their tempers like this, going to the point of no return, I wonder? What causes them to get so angry, so fast? I know some might say a no good man. But to that I have to remember what a pastor once said a few years back.

"People can give you the opportunity to be angry, but no one can make you that way. It's your choice."

Pretty deep. Some women seem to take out or vent all their frustrations out in public and in a way that not only makes them look bad, but is demeaning to the person they're talking too.

So why do some women take the opportunity to revel in this anger? I'm curious to see what you all think.

The Struggle

I believe that Jesus Christ is my personal savior. But am I living that way? Am I living a life that's in line with Christ's plan of salvation for my soul?

To be perfectly honest, I don't think so. I don't think know that there are decisions that I making, and actions that I'm taking that aren't in line with Christ's word.

It's not that I don't believe in Christ's promise or Christ's favor, it's simply because I struggle with the desires of my own flesh.

For nonbelievers or those who are not familiar with the faith, who might be reading this, when I say that I struggle with the desires of my own flesh, I specifically mean those stray thoughts that I have that aren't in line with the biblical truth that Christ presents.

This creates a conflict - if you will - in my spirit - this struggle - and seeks to undermine my faith. These errant thoughts, which without prayer, can become very dangerous actions.

The apostle Paul suffered from his own conflict, which he called a thorn. In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul provides a bit more detail about his thorn, or his weakness.

Paul asks for the thorn to be removed, but God replies to him that his grace is sufficient enough. It's a constant reminder for Paul to realize that he needs God and that he is not perfect.

I have many thorns in my flesh that I suffer from. It has been through constant prayer that I have been able to keep these thorns at bay, but they are still there.

Under my own power, I know that I will falter. But through Christ, all things are possible.

Dramatic moments

Back in 2001, I won an award for a piece I wrote on teen pregnancy rates in Beaufort County. I originally got the idea about the piece from a scene that played out in spectacular detail across the street from parents home back in the early 90s.

A young woman was walking with her boyfriend and told him these simple words.

"You don't worry about his, you worry about yours."

To put this more into context, this young woman was in her teens and she had several children from different men, including the one she was walking with. He was upset about his girlfriend spending more time with one of the fathers.

What was so striking about this, was that it felt like a defining moment for me - during the height of my raging hormones. This was the question I had to ask myself? Do I want to end up with a string of children from different women?

Looking back I didn't understand this, nor did I understand God's plan for marriage and why it was important. I'm not knocking single parents - I'm merely talking about living in confusion.

I wonder now, years removed, how this young man is fairing and how the children are doing. More importantly I wonder how this young woman is doing.

Talkin' about the Bishop again

Bishop Eddie Long continues to make headlines. This time, the esteemed AJC wrote an article about him based on a rumor that his wife might have left him. The article said that the Church issued a statement declaring these rumors to be false.

Amazing. Wasn't it just a few scant days ago that I was admonishing the AJC for this kind of reporting - essentially covering a non-story? Yup, here's the evidence.

Bishop Long's life will long be under scrutiny, that's a given. But what I see happening here in the media is a bit harsh, and has the potential to adversely affect Christians trying to clearly communicate the Good News.

When reporters only take select parts of sermons and quote them - when they take these sermons out of context that can be harmful to people coming into the body of Christ that might be undecided or uncertain what the message is.

It's amazing how this is all playing out. The media seems to be stooping down to tabloid status to keep Bishop in the limelight. But in the meantime, what about members of New Birth, and what about other Christians for that matter? What's the view on this?

I fear even though the case is settled, there is still much more to come.

My Dad

Once upon a time, I could never please my father. Or at least that's what I use to think back when I was growing up. I would think that maybe he wanted a more athletic son, or someone who was intensely interested in sports.

I was anything but. My passions were turtles, frogs and any other creature that I could corral and put in my outside terrarium. I was a nerd in the very truest since of the word.

While other sons played sports and their dads went to games, my dad had to live out his fantasies of a son playing sports through some other kids on the block. Or at least that's what I use to believe.

You see while other dads were teaching their sons the rules of the game, my dad was helping me find bait so that I could cultivate my turtle farm.

While other kids had their dads becoming coaches, my dad would actively encourage my imagination. He would play big dog/little dog with me. It was a game where we would crawl around on the floor and bark at one another.

He taught me how to fly my first kite - a Superman kite that we purchased from Roses. I ended up peeling the skin off my write wrist, after it got caught up in the kite twine. The scar is visible to this day and the incident happened more than 20 years ago.

I can remember when we would go out and gather straw for my dog Spot. Each week Spot would break out of his pin, and my dad would have to put all these boards around the top so our canine friend couldn't escape.

When I graduated from college he was there, making noise in the stands. He seemed more excited than I was at the time.

I remember when I became an adult and I had my own apartment, my dad stayed with me for a week. It was one of the best times we've had in our lives.

I know that some familiar with our story might say that there were some bad times. But you know what, life is too short to stay hung up on all the ends and outs that you have with a person, and at this point I would rather reflect on the positive experiences.

Happy Father's Day!!!!!!!!!

The Face Off

Sweat dripped off her swollen brow.

Her hair was matted with just a few streaks silver in stretching across the front. Her throat was hoarse, from screaming at coworkers who couldn't tell a ladle from a tong.

For 10 long hours she had been in that restaurant cooking up southern cuisine , and all she wanted to do was come home, relax and watch Regis on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. But sadly, she couldn't. See tonight she had another undertaking. She was about to evict a house guest - one that had overstayed his welcome.

This isn't a novel I'm writing or a short story. This is an actual account of a woman who had to get rid of a relative from her house because he just would not pay rent. This happened around the time I was living in Beaufort back in 2002, and I was asked to take part in this intervention because of my connection to the family.

I'll never forget the look of worry and frustration in her eyes.

"We can't support you," she told her nephew. "You're not doing anything. You're coming in here, you're not doing chores, you're waking up at noon. This can't go on. You need to get a job."

His response was a passive one.

"I'm laid back," he said. "I can't get into the type of stuff that you're talking about. I like to see how life goes and that's it."

She fired back at him and all traces of her weariness were replaced with anger. Her thick Gullah accent bellowed and her words felt like a wooden bat repeatedly striking against unprotected flesh.

"Who do you think pay (yes pay) for this cool air in this house," she yelled. "Who pay for that raid (red) cool-aide you're drinking? Who pay for the water you use to wash your behind? You mean to tell me you too laid back? You need to work or I'll lay you back."

By then tears were streaming from her eyes. Other family members remained silent.

His next response was - "Well I appreciate what you've done for me, but what do you want me to do?"

The response was predictable but still at the same time unexpected. She kicked the young man out - without hesitation I might add.

All my life, I have grown up around individuals that did not work, or did not believe they had to take part in the system to get ahead, and I never had seen a woman stand up to them before.

Here was a woman in her 50s, who had lost her husband, who suffered from swollen extremities because she was on her feet in the sweltering heat of a kitchen each day, and in one instant she was able to take control of her destiny in just two short words.

"Get out."

Throughout time there have been young men who have every excuse in the book before they're willing to participate in working a 9 to 5 job. Some play the race card; some blame the system. They all share the common similarities of sleeping in extremely late and staying up all night long.

These troubled young men seem to suffer from a depression, and a sense of low self esteem coupled with entitlement.

Why should anyone take care of a grown man who is physically able to work and find a job? On this warm Summer night on St. Helena Island, this proud Gullah matriarch answered this question with a definitive answer.

I never found out what became of the young man, nor did I contribute to much of the conversation that night. It was one of those situations that left me speechless.

Grace and the Great Poo

Earlier this week, I decided to do something great for my wife. I took off work for the day and kept Grace, our five-week-old daughter, while my wife left for a girl's day out.

Now before I go on with the story, it should be noted that this is not my first, nor is it even the second time I have kept my daughter by myself. I have even changed numerous pampers on my daughter throughout her month and one week existence.

Here's how it all unfolded. Shortly before my daughter's 1 p.m. feeding, I began to change her diapers. Unfortunately, the diaper change was happening in the middle of - what we'll call - a detailed transaction. I immediately pulled out a pamper and slid it underneath my daughter's soiled pamper, and waited for her to be finished.

When she was done, I simply discarded the old diaper, cleaned her off and put on the brand new one underneath. It was a simple as that, or so I thought.

But little did I know, Grace had other ideas for me. Somehow she began to restart the transaction, while I was about to put her clothes back on. Needless to say, I was caught off guard, but prepared for this. I just got a new pamper and proceeded to clean her off again.

Only this time, I was convinced that Grace was finished. Boy was I wrong. What happened next, is probably a scene that has occurred at least once in every new dad's life and the results were messy.

Grace restarted the transaction yet again, only this time I didn't have a backup pamper and some of it got on her clothes. Freaking out, I removed her clothes rather quickly, only to discover some of the transaction leaked onto her bassinet.

Furthermore, it saturated the small pad she was laying on. Oh crud, what am I going to do. Then stuff really got real. Grace, who is only a little more than eight pounds, still kept going.

My eyes turned blood shot read, as my little bundle of joy had a back covered in poop, and her had in turn ruined her nice pink outfit. The wipes that we had on standby near her bassinet were good, but they weren't miracle workers.

My first thought was, if I don't clean Grace up quick she's going to have some bacterial infection. My second and third thoughts respectively were, my wife is going to kill me, and ... my wife is going to kill me. My next thought was I've got to clean this up quick and wash Grace off. I quickly rubbed her down to make sure all of it was off and I took her upstairs and placed her on a towel, on our bed (big mistake). I ran and got a little tub to give her a thorough cleaning and to get some new clothes for her.

It should be noted, that Charlotte, our Boston Terrier, just stared at me like I was crazy the whole time. If she could talk, I believe she just would have hung her head in disbelief and said dead man walking.

But back to the story. Grace then began to cry and let out a huge wail, letting me know that this was uncomfortable. I washed her off quickly and was in the process of putting on a new pamper. She then got very quiet and just looked at me. I got in close to reassure her and give her a zerbert, when she hit me with one last parting shot.

No, not another detailed transaction, but rather a brief sprinkle, just to let me know who was really in charge of our household.

All I could do was laugh. When my wife finally got home, she asked a question that I don't think I will ever ask her again when I get home from work. Yes, these five simple words are enough to drive any new parent, who's watching a baby insane.

"So how did it go?"

It should be against the law to even utter this phrase.

But me being the person I am, I simply looked at my wife, and in a low-pitched tone, I said fine dear. Everything is fine. She smiled and said ok, and with that, I broke down and told her about my epic adventure with Grace and the Great Poo.

Why do men cheat?

Every now and then when I'm riding the train to work I'll hear some young woman complaining about her relationship and how some guy has done her wrong. Pretty much the story is the same, she caught the guy in the act - which means she really found an incriminating number on his telephone, or she found some evidence he left behind that's too graphic to go into detail on this blog.

Whatever the case may be, the guy is cheating for some reason unbeknownst to the female he is involved with. And there is one key question that always comes up.

Why do men cheat?

The more appropriate answer is what kind of cheater was the guy in question. The following is my personal opinion, my ranting if you will. I don't have a degree in psychology and I'm not a therapist of any kind so take that into consideration when reading this.

So you have essentially two types of cheaters. The kind that makes a social connection with one particular woman, and the kind that just has dealings with many different women. The latter usually suffers from some type of sickness, an addiction to sex if you will. But the first is more troublesome, because the first suggests a breakdown in communication between both the man and the woman he's in a relationship with.


Let's go back a bit. We're in a culture now that suggests if it doesn't work you replace it. Our attention spans are notoriously short, we can barely keep a phone for more than a year before it becomes outdated. We're always seeking more. That line of thinking often translates into our relationships as well.

Married men are often the key culprits in this. Imagine a man who has had troubles with his wife for years on end. Never mind that she has had his children; lost her figure trying to raise them; and sacrificed everything so that he could move forward with his career. That's all moot. The culture tells him, that this woman who has devoted his entire life to him can be replaced if she isn't resonating with him emotionally.

And truth be told, she isn't. Her focus is on the children or on keeping the household together. They have both grown apart allowing for separation to come into place. Her frustration over this is visible and it becomes nagging, because she's longing for that closeness. The nagging however, drags the man further away. It pushes him out the door, widening the gap of closeness.

Almost instantly the culture tells him to replace her. Instead of rebuilding that strong bond that was solidified in God's name, he goes out and reestablishes a new bond.

When the affair becomes public he is vilified and automatically everyone takes the woman's side. They ask the question, why would he cheat on a woman that was so faithful to him? Very rarely do they ask what role she played in driving him out of the door. While its true no one made him cheat, the conditions were put into place by both spouses to create an atmosphere where infidelity could occur.

Now, let's go back to the second example to close this up. You know the kind of guys that cheat but are players and have multiple women. I think this pretty much stems from a sickness that some men have. Much like any other addiction, women become the tool of choice. Usually there is no emotional attachment to these women and they're just filling a void in that man's life. Sadly, the woman who he is truly with isn't even aware of this void.

But here's something women can do to offset some of these problems. Women need to particularly pay attention to how their significant other views other females. Is he in the strip clubs a lot, is he really heavy into pornography? How many female friends does he have that you know about?

What gets me, is how there are some women who actively go with their men to the strip clubs and then are surprised when he actually cheats. By letting him go and admire another woman, females need to realize that they're opening the door for temptation to set in.

I'll never forget a conversation with a young woman that I had about letting her significant other go to the strip club. She often said that she had no problem with him going, because once he got back home she would reap the benefits.

Sadly I put my head down and walked away. She just doesn't get it. Or maybe I don't and I've just wasted 10 minutes of everyone's time reading this. Anyhow, these are my thoughts and as always thanks for reading.

Attitude

A few years ago, my wife and I went to volunteer at a soup kitchen in Forest Park, Ga. It was there that I met up with an old friend that I didn't think I would ever see again.

It was my bad attitude.

Yup, that nasty persona that just seems to get upset with everything and is satisfied with nothing came back to the forefront.
Here I was coming to serve the Lord and what ended up happening was I let my ego and my pride get in the way.

Bottom line I wasn't humble. I don't think I was disrespectful, but I was very cold to the other volunteers and my thoughts were negative.

I can remember afterwards feeling a bit of disbelief, because I thought I'd grown out of this particular foolishness. But it was back, and in the forefront.

I want to tell you that now I'm a bit more centered and that, my attitude has been put in check. God has a way of humbling you.

But I wonder if there's anyone reading this, that might struggle with a bad attitude. The symptoms are clear. You're always right; you think only of yourself; and are extremely negative.

One's attitude is everything. It can literally determine the course of one's life. When I was younger, especially in my early 20s, I had this cockiness, this sense of entitlement. I thought that since I was a college graduate and had a pretty decent job that I was entitled respect, and I talked down to people.

I remember one time when I was at the bank and the teller asked for my social security number. Do you know what my reply was?

"I went to college of course I know my social."

The sheer arrogance I exhibited wasn't what my parents taught me. No, what it was, was fear. I was afraid that my inadequacies would come to light, so to throw everyone off I erected this persona of cockiness and rudeness. It was a poor reflection of my attitude and what God made me to be.

Needless to say, some tough life lessons in the past few years caused me to soften my stance and I was humbled. So humbled in fact that my former boss that I gave grief too - I tracked him down years later and apologized to him. To this day we keep in contact.

An attitude can make you or break you. For years it hung around my neck like a heavy stone dragging me to the near bottom. It kept me away from what God had for me. But now - now I've never been more free. Good bye nasty attitude. I hope to never see you again.

Is this even a story?

Here in metro Atlanta, the major newspaper is the Atlanta Journal Constitution or the AJC. Recently the esteemed publication has been covering the entire Bishop Eddie Long settlement suit. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.

But what is kind of strange is the fact that the newspaper is taking time now to report on actual sermons - and quote them. Take this story for instance that appeared in the Wednesday online edition of the AJC. The article, which can be seen by clicking on this link, actually quoting a posted youtube video of Creflo Dollar, from World Changers, allegedly offering support to Bishop Long.

Now this is baffling. Because I have never seen a time when excerpts from a minister's sermon have been held and reported on with such scrutiny. It should be important to note that the article never says that Minister Dollar never calls Bishop Long by name.

Ok, here's my take on this. This to me is a non story. It's a story written so former daily newspaper reporters like me can have fodder to write about on their blogs. That's what this is.

I don't think I would publish a story like this or be a part of it. To me it has no news value. I question its relevance. Even if Minister Dollar come out and mentioned Bishop Long by name - I probably still would not have done it.

Simply put, I question the manner in which this was written. You're quoting from a YouTube video of the actual sermon. (The article points out that the YouTube video has since been taken down).

I realize that Bishop Long is a hot topic. I understand that he draws interest. But at some point I wish the local media would be a bit more reluctant to follow up on these weak leads.

I guess the only good thing to come from this, is that more and more reporters are being exposed to God's word now.

Hello Grief, I missed you

Am I a father? That's the question that I asked during a grief session last Summer. I did not feel like one. I had just lost my son, who was here on this earth for a short time.

Mentally, I was a mess. My mind went in twelve different places at once. Who am I? What am I suppose to be? Does God really care about me?

For nearly four months I lived in depression that was so secret no one even knew about it. Not my friends, my wife or my parents. I was angry and I didn't really want to go on living much longer.

I remember zipping down I-75 listening to heavy metal music, cranked up to the max. I would send text messages to friends with crazy obscure messages. I would often argue with my parents over trivial things - because the pain of losing my first born son was often too great.

I found out that grief was a cruel mistress. Once you lay with her, she never really goes away. She comes at you in your weakest points and taunts you on what might have been.

Prior to 2010 my wife and I could have claimed a kind of innocence in life. But after the death of several loved ones back to back, we... well we lost that innocence.

Life became more serious and our mortality, it became a very real thing to us. I have no doubt that we'll once again see our loved ones in Heaven. What's painful is the grief here on earth. It's weird. One minute you think it's gone and you're so happy - the next... well the next minute you find out grief is just over your shoulder - staring right at you. And it's waiting for you to turn around.

Obama vs....himself????

President Obama might not have that much to worry about in the 2012 election, as most of the Republican frontrunners are either dropping out, or their campaigns are imploding (Newt Gingrich anyone).

Still we're very early in the process and still have quite a ways to go. But the Republicans are going to need some name recognition before they can really have a viable candidate go toe - to - toe with Obama.

Too many contenders, such as Herman Cain are political unknowns. Cain is the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza and has run for political office before, but never obtained it. Most metro-Atlantans are familiar with his radio show and him filling in for libertarian radio host Neil Boortz. To me Cain has some great ideas, but unfortunately only a hand full of people know him.

The obvious person that everyone is thinking of is Sarah Palin. To me Palin is best served as a catalyst to stir up the pot and mobilize the conservative base. She has no substance, no real value.

Mitt Romney might be able to do something this time, as he has no John McCain-esque opponent standing in his way. But alas, who knows.

Come election time, one thing is certain, President Obama is going to need a great deal of support to communicate what the rest of his vision is. The American people want to see this great change he promised on the campaign trail nearly four years ago. But the stimulus plan has been panned as a bust. Critics are calling it one of the most expensive undertakings in recent American history, with no clear sign of positive impact on the economy.

The healthcare plan now is so confusing that most want to see it repealed before it can even have a chance to get up and going.

Come to think of it, Obama might not need an opponent, he might just be his own worst enemy in this case.

Husbands when you see her ... RUN!!!!!!

Every husband goes through this. And if you haven't yet, then trust me it will come up in the marriage. Nearly every husband has run into the neighbor.

You know the kind that's single, flirty and always conveniently shows up whenever you go and take out the trash.

Yup, that's the one. I remember at one point in our marriage we had just that kind of neighbor. She seemed to always be leaving her place whenever I stepped out. To make it so bad she rode mass transit as well.

Everyday, when she saw me, she would talk my head off about some bit of obscure business. Occasionally, she would throw in the question, how's your wife?

Now she really didn't want to know how my wife was, no she wanted to get an update of how we're doing. Sad but true. One of my college buddies actually termed it as scouting.

I was so happy when she moved out because it was causing such a strain in my marriage. Not that anything was going on mind you, but I was relieved because my wife could just sense that this woman did not have good intentions. And I would often hear about it.

And the ruder and more distant I got, the more the neighbor seemed to like it.

But the truth is, and all married men will tell you - and some wives too - is that this kind of woman exists and she is out there waiting to pounce. Perhaps she's a co-worker or she's attends the same gym. Maybe she's even at the church.

Whatever the case is, the best bet is, don't make eye contact at all, and if you have to pull a Joseph. You know Joseph from Genesis 39:1-20, the one that escaped the clutches of Potiphar's wife. Run from that vile temptress. Because no matter how much you talk about your wife or your family to divert them away, that just makes it worse.

Women controlling their message in the media

A few months ago I had the privilege of attending a forum hosted by the Atlanta Association of Black Journalists discussing the role of women in the media. One of the speakers of the on the panel was none other than Phaedra Parks, from Bravo's popular television show The Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA).

It was a pretty interesting discussion - and Parks stated that often times on the show (RHOA) that she and the other women present weren't able to take part in the final edits and sometimes their actions were taken out of context. She mentioned that there needs to be a move or a push for women to take more control of the messages they exude in media.

I couldn't agree more. But I think it has to work two fold. I think first and foremost women need to control their message more, and second I think women need to stop taking in a message that doesn't represent reality.

Often times I see young women acting like they are video vixens, or dressing like something they've seen in some elaborate magazine. One time in particular, on my way to work I saw a young woman wearing high heels and a short and tight skirt. She's was getting off the train and going up the stairs. She had such difficulty getting up the stairs that she clumsily fell and stumbled several times, and perhaps made a greater spectacle of herself than she first imagined. It was a pretty sad image. She could not move her legs much because she was constrained by the tight skirt and she could not regain her footing because she had on heels that kept her off balance. Here was a woman that put cuteness before common sense.

But why? I guess the answer goes back to women's portrayal in the media, and on some of these reality television shows. I have found that some women (not all) want to look like sex objects. But don't they realize the people that will notice them if they dress this way, are the very same people they want to avoid? A lot of women don't realize that they attract the same menthey want to avoid when they go out of their way to look elaborate. A Godly man, isn't going to look lustfully at a woman, he's going to admire a woman for her beauty, but a Godly man is going to look for spiritual substance from a woman.

I guess the ultimate question is how do we as a society get beyond these thoughts and how do we view women differently in the media, and in society.

I can tell you, that having a daughter makes you think of alot of these things a bit differently. I wonder though, how do we bring about change to how women are portrayed in the media? What do you all think?

Rants of a Sleep Deprived Dad: Part II

Welcome to another installment of Confessions of a Sleep Deprived Dad. As always these are written when I'm at my the height of my drowsiness or sleep deprivation - or some term I'm too tired to look up. Anyhow, enjoy.

So, what do you do when your infant daughter has a restless night and won't calm down despite your best attempts. You strap her in the car seat and you take an early morning drive down Peachtree.

I found out two things during my early morning drive with Grace. First and foremost, there are a lot of people that cycle between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Two, Atlanta really isn't that big - it just seems that way when there's a lot of traffic. And during Sunday morning there really isn't a lot of traffic on the roads during that time.

Anyhow, Grace and I enjoyed a pleasant stroll for nearly an hour. She was knocked out - not making a peep. It was incredibly different from her attitude during her 3 a.m. feeding. She stayed up and refused to go back to sleep. Oh we would hold hr for a bit, but it was clear to us that she really did not want to go back to bed.

Her mom, was at her wits end, so in order to give everyone a bit of peace, I loaded up Grace in the car and we took a little stroll. Within two minutes she was out colder than a pitcher of my wife's auntie's kool-aide on a hot summer day. Now that's cold.

It's amazing to me, but its something about riding in a car that actually soothes Grace. I wonder if there have been studies of this done. I suppose I could go to Google and look, but at this point, it's taking all my energy just to get this post out.

Anyhow, I hope that Grace sleeps a little better tonight. I really don't want to take her on another ride on Monday morning - not in the heart of Atlanta traffic.

The media needs to be a bit more sensitive.

Here's a youtube video that I ran across a couple of days ago. Take a look at it and then we'll discuss it further.



After I saw this news report several questions came to mind. First were African Americans the only customers that were questioned by this news affiliate? Second, was this really a news story? And finally, who made the decision to air this story?

To me it's highly insensitive and plays up on stereotypes in the African American community. As a journalist I have to tell you, that I have been in situations similar to this before. Often times as a reporter we'll hop onto a story and we'll think that it's great, but we won't realize how it can be insensitive to some minority groups.

A few years back, I was working on a story about a young man who was killed on a long stretch of dirt road that was famous for murders. The headline the editor wrote above the story read trail of tears. Immediately, I was flooded with calls from the Native American Community in the area. They pointed out that this headline was insensitive and was a slap in the face to what Native Americans went through during the actual Trail of Tears. Looking back at the situation I have to agree - it was.

Here's the thing about this story. What broadcast media needs to realize, is that not everyone has the stage presence to give a coherent or a dignified interview. The normal person just doesn't have that training, so when they speak you get raw unfiltered emotion.

You see this in some of the comments in this Chicken story. People are obviously upset about the issue. But is it really that desperate of a situation. While they might not be able to get as good a deal, can't they just go to another restaurant and get some fastfood for their family?

Looking at what was presented by this story I would have to say no. If you are to take this story on its merits, the only people that frequent Popeye's are African Americans who are desperate to get a good deal just so they can feed their family. Now I don't believe this to be the case at all. I believe the clientele is a bit more mixed. But you're not seeing that being represented in this news report.

Instead you see one African American after another being interviewed, with a comment that is more outrageous than the last. It's sad, but this speaks volume of the regard that some (not all) news stations have for minorities. Everyone in the media needs to clean up its act - and realize that we can be a bit insensitive, and sources aren't caricatures that can give a stereotypical comment.

Never a dull moment on mass transit

I just recently started back taking the train to work. After about a weeks worth of paternity leave, and another week of driving to my job, I had almost forgotten the fun and interesting people that I would meet during my travels.

But, here was one such person to remind me. Sparky, as I like to call him, was asking for change from people, and he came across one particular person that he didn't care too much for. We'll call this person Joe. Sparky asked Joe for some change and Joe suggested that he get a job.

This didn't go over to well with Sparky. For the better part of seven long, painful and excruciating minutes, Sparky in a high pitched voice proceeded to call Joe everything but a child of God. He lunged at Joe several times and even walked away yelling profanities. But Sparky would get a certain distance and come right back, and continue yelling again. It was as if Joe represented all the frustration in Sparky's life - and it was as if all those frustrations had come to a head.

"I hate you so much. All you had to do was just shut up and mind your own business. Just shut up!!! Shut up," Sparky yelled.

"You have a real personal problem," Joe lobbed back. "Pick up your change and go."

"You don't tell me what to do. Just shut up. Shut up. I can't stand your voice it sickens me," Sparky said in a high pitch shrill. (I loved the irony).

For seven minutes this tirade went on. It ended when Sparky calmly apologized to bystanders for losing his cool, but not before throwing in a few last digs to Joe.

Yup, mass transit. How I've missed you so. Nice to know that no matter how long you're gone, no matter when you come back you're bound to run into some real interesting characters.

The Music conundrum

A couple of weeks ago, I was discussing some of my musical preferences with an old childhood friend. He was shocked to learn that much of the music that I listened to now is a bit different - not the hardcore hip hop that I use to listen to frequently.

Wu-Tang Clan has been replaced by Canton Jones. Biggie Smalls has been replaced by Yolanda Adams. I listen to older music now - from the 60s and frequently I listen to music from the 80s.

I think what happens to when you enter into the body of Christ, is that your musical taste change. You're more careful about the messages that you take in.

Now can I be honest with you guys for a minute. I love hip hop. I love every aspect of it. But there came a point where personally, I couldn't justify listening to the messages that were prevalent in a lot of rap music and feel like I was following Christ.

For a long time I felt like the biggest hypocrite listening to the music. I felt conflicted and it would tear me up. I felt so conflicted I erased 90% of the music on my hard drive.

As for now I'm in a different place. I barely listen to rap music now - and if I do, it's usually something without curse words and its inspirational. Now I don't feel like a hypocrite, and if my daughter overhears one of the songs I'm listening to... well it's all good. I have no shame about it.

Not that different at all

A few days ago I was having lunch with a good friend of mine. He was sharing with me his woes in being a journalist at a small newspaper in this day and age.

Nearly everyday he puts 40 plus miles on his car. His paltry check is consumed with eating out and paying for repairs on his car, not to mention handling rent. It's a depressing life he was telling me, and not what was promised at school.

As he was talking to me, I felt an eerie sense of de ja vu washing over my entire body. His story was my story at one time. I was a 22-year-old coming straight out of college making about $10.67 an hour. I worked long hours on the weekends, and it seemed like nothing I could ever do made my editors happy.

I lived in constant fear that I was going to lose my job. My sources of entertainment at that time were videogames, McDonald's and pornography. I was as far away from Christ as I could be in my thinking. Thank God he was still near me though.

A typical day had me waking up as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I would come into the office just knowing that I had made a mistake the night before. All I needed for confirmation of this fact was the glowing red light on my phone, indicating that I had a voice mail. No it wasn't a message letting me know what a great job I had done on a story, but rather it was a complaint letting me know of the numerous inaccuracies.

On Saturdays I would come into the office around 9 a.m. I would leave probably around 7 or 8 p.m. and then I would be called back in because there was breaking news around 9 p.m.

My Sunday's were spent playing videogames or watching some sinful movie I picked up at the local video store... just so I could escape the pain.

On Monday's I would do chores and try to cook. But as the day closed I was began to get more anxious. I was subconsciously bracing myself for Tuesday - when I went back to work - to deal with whatever complaints or whatever issues faced me in the newsroom.

It was a rough time, and this lasted from 2001- to Jan. 28th of 2005. Until I turned in my noticed and moved from Beaufort S.C. to Atlanta Ga.

For me it was a difficult time. It was a trying time. I was depressed, and mentally I just wasn't there. School didn't prepare me for this I thought. This isn't what I signed up for.

The sad reality is, is that the mental toll small newspapers can put on a person - well it's a lot. I salute the ones who can stick with it. But as for myself I had to leave that environment. Time will tell if my friend makes the same move too.

Charlotte's Web

One of the main question's we've been asked about our daughter Grace coming home is this. How is Charlotte taking it.

Charlotte, for those of you who don't know, is our Boston Terrier. I bought her for my wife as an anniversary gift about four years ago.
Here's Charlotte.

To answer everyone's main question, I think Charlotte knows there is a change. She's sniffed Grace and knows that - hey there's a new person here.

The two seem to get along great. Charlotte seems to be unable to get sleep like the most of us, so I'm sure she's a bit sleep deprived. But I think she's getting along pretty good with baby Grace.

One of the things we try not to do, is leave the two alone in a room together. But other than that, things are going great. So the multitudes can stop asking about Charlotte. She's doing pretty good.

Great Expectations

I've come to the conclusion that women have an unrealistic expectation of men. The expectation varies with each woman and often depends on where that woman is positioned in her life.

Riding on mass transit and overhearing some of the conversations that women have about, and with their men has given me great insight on this. Now while I could go on for days about some of the conversations that I have heard, let me boil it down straight to the point.

Nowadays women are less accepting of men than they have ever been in a long time. Couple of months back one of my college buddies proved this theory. He met a nice young woman (or so he thought at the time), at a venue and the two hit it off perfectly.

She was, in his words, the perfect package. She was attractive, and she pretty much was financially set. Here's where the problem came in. She became too demanding. She wanted to spend most of her time with him and she demanded that some definition be put on their relationship in an abrupt manner. Within about a week or so she wanted to be his girlfriend. If it would have gone on for a month I could see her wanting to be married. Seriously.

In another story, I saw a young woman who was angry with her boyfriend because he didn't buy her exactly what she wanted. She berated him and called him everything but a child of God. If he didn't get her that gift, he was dead to her.

When women put these kinds of demands and pressures on a man, these unrealistic expectations; they are setting themselves up for disaster. Using aggressive techniques to get what you want from a guy never really works, it just builds up animosity.

Consider a man who is working hard for his family, and when he gets home he is belittled because he doesn't fulfill his mate's expectation. Already several things are going on. First and foremost the man feels devalued in a sense. He feels like nothing he's ever done is going to be good enough. The female feels upset because her needs aren't being met. Her alternative is to push. But by doing that pushing she's creating a greater chasm.

Sometimes women need to step back and put themselves in men's shoes. They need to really need to be patient and communicate in a sensitive manner with men.

So I have to hide Grace for 18 years ...

A recent trip to the mall to get my wife a smoothie confirmed all my fears about raising a daughter.
As I came in through the entrance I was flooded with images of teen girls wearing dresses and skirts that were too short; jiggling bellies that lay out in the open; and young men who were wearing tight, yet sagging pants at the same time.

I think it was this moment that I realized, you know what dad, you're going to be in some trouble when little Grace gets older. Let me explain.

See not that long ago, I was one of these knuckle heads that would often post up with my boys at local malls and local outings to scope out the young ladies. I can remember spending time at Columbia Mall when I attended the University of South Carolina, anxiously gazing at each young woman that passed by. I was a knucklehead with time on his hands, and not a chance in the world at talking to those young women.

But things were a bit more innocent back then. Now we live in a society where social media is king, and young men and women are flooded with images of what beautiful looks like.

Apparently, judging by what I saw at the mall, being half naked with butt implants is in, and covering up is out.

One of the things that I'm hoping for, is the ability to clearly communicate to little Grace, that she looks beautiful without those things and that her prince charming won't be a guy she meets with tight, yet sagging pants to his ankles. He'll be a man of God that's well dressed and will appreciate her spirit.

But I have to tell you, after that trip to the mall, I really am a bit nervous. I think the next time my wife wants a smoothie I'll just have her get it - at least until Grace is 18, 25.

Marriage isn't for the weak of heart

I have a friend who is thinking about marriage and I'm a bit concerned about his decision.
Here's the thing, my friend is dating a young woman, who he has a child with, and the marriage seems to be prompted more so for the sake of his son.

Now a lot of people might think that this young man is doing the honorable thing by marrying this young woman, and who knows, he might be. I mean, who am I to judge. But my point with this all is, marriage is hard. it's very difficult and it should not be taken lightly.

I have been married now for nearly five years and I've experience more in these past few years than I have in my entire life. There have been ups and downs - we have suffered the death of a child, and celebrated the birth of another one. We've had our share of fights and making up - our marriage runs the gamut of emotions and outcomes. It's living life fluidly, with someone else.

But here's what I think a lot of couples (I know we didn't), did not consider when they got married. We don't consider that marriage is a state of being isn't just a title or a way of life, it is life and that life is 24-7.

When you're married you can't take off your ring and magically be single again. You also can't effectively make decisions without your spouse. In a sense you're effectively stripping away your individual identity and you're becoming one with that person.

Your whole life changes and not everyday is going to be a fun filled adventure. You're going to see your spouse at their lowest, their worst. It's all in how you handle those times, that will determine if you have a successful marriage or not.