Hello Grief, I missed you

Am I a father? That's the question that I asked during a grief session last Summer. I did not feel like one. I had just lost my son, who was here on this earth for a short time.

Mentally, I was a mess. My mind went in twelve different places at once. Who am I? What am I suppose to be? Does God really care about me?

For nearly four months I lived in depression that was so secret no one even knew about it. Not my friends, my wife or my parents. I was angry and I didn't really want to go on living much longer.

I remember zipping down I-75 listening to heavy metal music, cranked up to the max. I would send text messages to friends with crazy obscure messages. I would often argue with my parents over trivial things - because the pain of losing my first born son was often too great.

I found out that grief was a cruel mistress. Once you lay with her, she never really goes away. She comes at you in your weakest points and taunts you on what might have been.

Prior to 2010 my wife and I could have claimed a kind of innocence in life. But after the death of several loved ones back to back, we... well we lost that innocence.

Life became more serious and our mortality, it became a very real thing to us. I have no doubt that we'll once again see our loved ones in Heaven. What's painful is the grief here on earth. It's weird. One minute you think it's gone and you're so happy - the next... well the next minute you find out grief is just over your shoulder - staring right at you. And it's waiting for you to turn around.